There’s a phrase most of us learn early: “I’m sorry.” We’re taught to use it for every bump, delay, or disruption, whether we’re truly at fault or not. It’s polite, after all. Over time, this habit can become something heavier, an invisible backpack filled with unnecessary shame. I know, because I spent years carrying it myself.
For much of my life, I struggled with low self-esteem and depression. My instinct was to apologize for everything: being late, needing help, speaking up, even just existing on a bad day. Each “sorry” felt like a small admission of unworthiness, a quiet way of saying, “I’m the problem here.” And while politeness is valuable, I discovered that constant apology did nothing for my confidence, and often made it worse.
The turning point came when I started to question this reflex. What if, instead of apologizing automatically, I tried to lead with gratitude instead? If I was late, what if I said, “Thank you for your patience,” rather than “I’m sorry I’m late”? If a project didn’t land as planned, what if I said, “Thank you for the chance to try this,” instead of “Sorry it didn’t work out”?
This may sound like a small change, yet it completely shifted my mindset. I began to see mistakes, missteps, and even plain old life-happens moments not as personal failures, but as chances to learn and to appreciate others’ flexibility or understanding. That, in turn, started to build my self-worth back up. Instead of viewing myself as a chronic letdown, I started to see myself as someone growing, trying, and adapting.
It’s important to be clear: this isn’t about dodging accountability. There are times when an apology is not just appropriate, but necessary. Self-awareness is the key. When we stop apologizing out of habit, we get better at recognizing the moments that truly require us to take responsibility, and we become more sincere when we do. At the same time, we often apologize for things beyond our control: traffic, unexpected emergencies, even for simply asking for what we need. In those moments, gratitude is a more honest and empowering response.
As a leader or manager, this mindset doesn’t just shift your own thinking; it can transform an entire team. When leaders model gratitude over reflexive apology, they give permission for everyone to experiment, to speak up, and to make mistakes without fear of shame. That doesn’t mean a lack of accountability; rather, it sets a tone that values learning, growth, and mutual respect over blame. In fact, research in organizational psychology has shown that cultures of gratitude foster stronger collaboration, greater resilience, and improved morale. Teams become more creative and less risk-averse when they know mistakes won’t lead to public shaming, but to constructive dialogue and appreciation for effort.
If you’re reading this and it rings true, I encourage you to try the experiment yourself. For the next week, pay attention to when you say “sorry.” Ask yourself: was this really my fault? Was an apology truly needed, or am I just smoothing things over by reflex? Next time, try gratitude: “Thank you for waiting.” “Thank you for letting me know.” Notice how it feels, and how people respond. Invite your friends, colleagues, or team members to try it too; and hold each other accountable. Talk about it openly. You might be surprised at how much lighter you feel, and how much more confident you become, when you stop carrying unnecessary shame.
Changing your language changes your mindset, and changing your mindset changes your life. Gratitude is more than just good manners; it’s a pathway to self-worth, better leadership, and healthier, more resilient teams. Give it a try. You may find, like I did, that life feels just a little less heavy and a lot more hopeful, when you put down the sorrys that never belonged to you.